I’m assuming if you’re reading this that you landed here because you have something that you’re trying to repent of, but just can’t seem to shake. You may have spent a long time kneeling and praying and begging for forgiveness, but are still plagued by your own shortcomings. What can you do?
You may feel hopeless, but you don’t have to feel this way
Congratulations, and welcome to real life. The sad reality is that we live in a world where it is nigh-impossible to progress through life without making some, or a lot of, mistakes. You may feel that you keep making the same ones over and over. You may feel that you cannot abandon those kinds of sins. You may even feel that God made you such that you wouldn’t be able to go through life without being slave to a particular sin. I have met hundreds of my fellow latter-day-saints who have felt this way. I’ve heard them say things like, “yeah I deal with an addiction,” or “It’s not reasonable for anyone to expect me to not participate in that. The Lord built me this way.” 
I have felt this too. I have struggled with my sins, just like anyone else, for many years: even decades. There would be times when I could make it and times when I couldn’t seem to get away. I’ve gotten lots of help, both amateur and professional. But in the end, I would always return to my proclivities. I even got to the point where I believed that if I did not keep indulging in my sins that I would fall victim to depression and despondency. I believed this was how the Lord built me. I believed that the weakness was there to keep me humble.
Through all this, I made large efforts to repent. To forsake my sins. I believe this is what most of us do. In fact, we are taught in primary what the steps to repentance are:
Steps of Repentance
- Recognize we did something wrong
- Feel Remorse for what we did
- Repent, meaning stop doing the thing and confess to the person you wronged or to your ecclesiastical leader.
- Make Restitution for the thing you did
- Do not Repeat your mistake
So these are the five “R”s of repentance. For a long time, I tried to live by this principle. It did not work for me. I’m not criticizing it, I’m just saying it didn’t work for me. Later I learned a really important lesson. While I had always believed these steps were important, I didn’t learn until later that these steps aren’t even necessary if you don’t sin. Thus sin becomes a prerequisite for repentance. It’s kind of like the introduction in the book of repentance. I know it sounds obvious, but if you don’t wrong someone, you don’t have to apologize. If you don’t steal the candy bar, you don’t have to return it. If you don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, you don’t have to let him punch you in the face. So, recognition is not the first step. It actually goes like this:
- Sin
- Recognize we did something wrong
- Feel Remorse for what we did
- Repent, meaning stop doing the thing and confess to the person you wronged or to your ecclesiastical leader.
- Make Restitution for the thing you did
- Do not Repeat your mistake
So, if you don’t do step 0, you don’t have to do any of the other steps.
I tried to live like this for a while too. Guess what? Same result. I didn’t think I could keep myself from step 0 after trying and failing many times. What was I missing?
Then when I was reading in the Book of Mormon, I ran across Alma’s letters to his sons. He was addressing Helaman, who would later go on to become a great leader. He was giving him advice on how to bring himself closer to God. He said:
O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God. Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of they heart be placed upon the Lord forever. Counsel with the Lord in all they doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in you sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day. 1
When I read these words, it hit me that there was an underlying substrate that had been missing from my repentance process. Repentance isn’t even possible without Jesus Christ. He is the power that makes this all work. I felt like a child who, when asked to put gas in the car, had been spraying it into the passenger seat. I had all the right intentions, but I had grossly misunderstood the task. The steps for repentance were right, but I had missed the point.
What is the point?
This seems like it should be obvious in hindsight. It was even spelled out in the Old Testament.
And the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.2
I feel like sometimes the Lord allows us to be tormented or otherwise afflicted in order to throw our complete and utter dependence on Him into sharper contrast, and I do plan to write about the nature of suffering in a later post. For now, let’s focus on the fact that an exegetic interpretation of this passage in Numbers suggests that the Lord intended for the Children of Israel to suffer for the purpose of recognizing that they needed to depend on Him. Indeed, He then asked Moses to “Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.” So, he sent the serpents, the serpents caused suffering, then Moses prayed for his people, and the Lord said, “Here, make a serpent and have people look at it, and they’ll live.”
This is and always was the point. Alma’s advice to Helaman encapsulates what I believe repentance really is. It’s just turning to Christ, but it’s more than that. You have to think of Him all the time. Like literally all the time. All the time. Alma’s advice is basically that. Additionally, latter-day-saints make this promise again every week when we partake of what we call “The Sacrament.”
There are two prayers:
The Sacrament Prayer for the Bread
O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.
(emphasis mine)
and then the prayer for the water
The Sacrament Prayer for the Water
O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this water to the souls of all those who drink of it, that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.
(emphasis mine)
I am supposed to remember Him always which means that everything I do is in His name. I have taken his name upon me so I am acting as His agent in everything I do.
When I put these concepts together repentance made a lot more sense. I began to research more in the scriptures. My tasks at work took on more meaning. I was looking for attributes of Jesus in my co-workers, in my children, and in everyone else around me.
I have found it much easier to make faithful statements and goals based on that same faith. When a temptation arises, I can simply say, “The Lord will protect me from this,” have faith that He will, and then move on with what I think His will is. I don’t have to be beset by my weakness, if I will put my faith in Him.